A Parenting Fear

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A mom hugging her son.Throughout my life, I have always had a fear of the unknown. I don’t like change; I’m afraid to take the next step until I’m sure I’m absolutely ready. I wasn’t sure about having kids. Honestly, I’m not a fan of kids in general (that’s why I’m a pediatric speech-language pathologist, haha!). It turns out, I’m not a fan of groups of kids. A few kids are fine, but big groups of kids are too much for me.

My fear of children made me fearful of becoming a parent. I didn’t think I’d be any good at it. And I had no interest in beginning something I wouldn’t be any good at. There are days I still feel this way, like when my twins are freaking out that the banana broke in half or I wouldn’t hold their hands walking all around the house. I feel like I’m failing, but I also know parenting is just hard.

So I thought, if I couldn’t keep myself together when I had little kids, how could I handle all the other things that come with growing up?

I was dreading the days I’d have older kids. I like babies. I’m comfortable with babies. Babies are simple. They don’t ask questions I don’t know the answers to. They don’t need discipline.

Even with the sleep deprivation, many years (and tears!) of breastfeeding and pumping, the endless nights of crying, and the inability to communicate with them, babies still seemed more manageable to me.

And generally, I still think that’s true. But I’m starting to like my almost 10-year-old. He’s insightful, he’s cautious, he’s caring, he’s helpful. He’s an all-around good kid.

We struggled a lot in the beginning. I had post-partum depression, and I was not really sure I wanted to be a parent, and he was screaming all day and night.

All I wanted when he was a baby was to be able to enjoy my time with him. I still feel bad that I never got to. But some of that might fade away as he grows up, and I can view him as the wonderful human being he is becoming.

But as I sat with him on the couch this evening watching a musical, I felt like I could finally relate to him. Maybe even understand him a little. When the movie was finished, he said, “I forgot how good the music was in this.” My heart swelled because music was always something I hoped he would enjoy. We share a bond now that we never had when he was little.

I dreaded becoming a parent who was finished having babies. But now that I am one, maybe it’s not so bad. Dare I say; I might even like it.

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Charity is originally from CT, but grew up in New Hampshire. She returned to CT in 2000 for college, and currently resides in Monroe with her husband (married in 2011) and three children (A son born in 2012 and identical twin daughters born in 2017). Charity works part time as a Speech-Language Pathologist for the CT Birth to Three system. She thinks it's the best of both worlds because she gets to work in a job she loves (and needs to pay off those hefty grad school loans!) and be home a few days a week with her children. Charity enjoys theatre, and brings her son often. This past year, she discovered her gifts as an intuitive medium. You can visit her personal website at: www.charityferrisintuitivemedium.mypixieset.com.

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