As my oldest child turns ten. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been at this parenting game for a decade now. Cliche as it sounds, it feels like I was taking her home from the hospital only yesterday. At the same time, there have been an incredible amount of changes, decisions, and experiences packed into the past ten years…many of which I couldn’t have imagined (a baby born with CHD, special ed interventions, and IEPS, growing a family of four kids, COVID!)
Looking back on the past ten years, I thought I’d write a list of the top ten things I’ve learned while parenting. I certainly don’t have all the answers, and I hope that ten years is only a small beginning to the long parenting journey I have ahead. Still, ten years seems an appropriate time to take stock of the parenting lessons I’ve learned so far.
1. Advocating for your child is the most challenging and most important thing you will do.
I’m naturally someone who avoids conflict and wants to trust the experts. But experience has shown me that no one knows your child as you do. Asking for more than one opinion, and pushing to get solid evidence for a decision, is not being defiant or disrespectful. We advocated like crazy to have our 2.5-month-old baby moved out of one hospital that was failing to meet her needs to one with a dedicated cardiac ICU. It was the best decision we ever made.
We’ve also started the process of testing and intervention for a child that is exhibiting difficulty mastering early literacy skills. This caused us to delay kindergarten, even though some experts recommended sending her. I’m now questioning the necessity of all the current COVID protocols in our schools. Asking questions, looking for sound scientific evidence, and weighing the advice of experts on both sides can be exhausting and grueling. Even if you feel like you’re being a pain, keep pushing. Your child needs you.
2. Every hard stage passes.
I can remember frantically looking through websites and books to figure out how to make it through an infant sleep regression. I thought I’d never survive another sleepless night, but I did. There have been countless hard stages between 0 to 10 years, but somehow we’ve made it through them all. Just when you think you’re at the breaking point, your child changes, or your outlook shifts, and you see you’ve made it through.
3. The good stages pass quickly too.
This one can feel painful at times. You look at your child and want to freeze them at a certain age, in a certain outfit, or with a baby voice forever. But you can’t. All you can do is try to remind yourself to slow down and enjoy the little moments so that you don’t miss them as they pass by.
4. You will change your mind about things you thought you knew.
I thought we’d send all our children to the Catholic school I went to (we’re not), that we’d participate in more organized sports (we don’t), and that we’d never give in to screens for our kids (thanks Santa for four tablets this Christmas). I also swore we would never get a dog, but we did, and I actually love her! I realize that I used to have a pretty rigid outlook on what was good for our kids and what wasn’t. I’m learning that it’s ok to change my mind to fit the children and situations I’ve been given.
5. None of your kids are alike.
We have four kids, and they are all unbelievably different. I love them all, but knowing how to meet their individual needs sometimes feels impossible. One of the best books I’ve read to help me is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. There are many different ways to support your children and show them you love them. It is not one size fits all.
6. You can’t do it all.
This one was hard for me to learn. I like to think I can do everything without help (not true). I’ve also tried to fit way more activities, celebrations, chores, or responsibilities into one day than is humanly possible. I’ve found this huge pressure I was placing on myself to do everything was robbing joy for all the members of our family as I yelled and rushed through the day. This leads me to the next point.
7. It’s ok to quit and say “no.”
Some things work great for our family, and some things don’t. Just because we started a certain activity doesn’t mean we have to push through to the bitter end (cue softball season 2020 and baseball season 2021). I’m not going to make my kids push through an activity they clearly aren’t enjoying. Nor am I going to take up every volunteer activity because I “could” or I “should.” Weeding out doesn’t bring joy only leaves room for the things that do.
8. Don’t compare your choices to anyone else’s.
On the one hand, we are so lucky to live in a place where there are so many options and opportunities. On the other hand, it can feel tempting to look around and think that someone else made a better choice, knows more than we do, or got a luckier break. The truth is everyone is just doing their best to figure it all out. All I can do is keep my head down and try to figure out what works for our family while wishing everyone luck as they figure out what works best for theirs.
9. Filter your social media use.
Social media is a rabbit hole. It either distracts me from living in the moment as I mindlessly scroll through articles and posts, or it makes me feel like I’m somehow behind. I learned a few years ago that Pinterest was not my friend. My house was never going to look like a magazine, my crafts were never going to be that awesome, and my closets were never going to be that organized. Likewise, all the posts on IG and FB are curated to focus on the best and the brightest parts of a person’s life. When I feel like everyone is doing more than I am, I know it’s time to take a break.
10. Find friends that make you laugh.
Parenting is hard. Finding friends that see the funny parts, that remind me to be silly, and who help me feel light in heavy times has been one of my best investments since becoming a mom.
