Dear Baby,
Hi, I’m your new mom. I’m glad to meet you. Everything about you is so new. Your skin is amazing. It glows. You are perfect right now, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know what your cries mean yet. Are you too hot? Too cold? Hungry? Wet? I’m lost, but I’m being told that this is meant to be the “happiest time of my life” and to “enjoy you.” I don’t know what that means?
I used to be me, but now I’m more than me. I’m bigger. I take up more space, but I feel so vulnerable. I can’t go anywhere without you because even when I’m not with you, I carry you with me. I’m scared because I think I love you, but it’s not a love like I’ve known before.
I’m going to fail you. I’m going to get it wrong. I’m going to get mad. I’m not going to pay close enough attention. I’m going to miss something.
But you are going to love me through it. You are going to forgive me and look for me, often above all others. But I’m going to keep this nagging feeling that I’m not enough. I’m going to feel guilty for things I wish I had done better. I will be so glad for you to go to bed at the end of the day, and then I’ll sneak into your room to watch you sleep because I miss you.
There will be so many moments that you won’t remember, but I will. I will remember for the both of us. Each year, each milestone, each birthday will break my heart just a little. I will be so proud of you; each first in your life will be a cause for celebration.
I will miss me. The me before you, who didn’t know what it felt like to love so deeply and to feel so afraid.
Baby, you are 10 now, and I’ve made so many mistakes — more than I can count. I’ve had two more babies, and my attention and focus have been spread out between three. But you are my first perfect baby, and I am your only imperfect mama. It was hard meeting you and learning how to be your mama, but I’m so grateful you chose me, and I’m proud of the WE we have become.
