I lost my best friend to the mommy wars. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening between us. The concept of the mommy wars didn’t seem real to me. I was a working mom, and she was a stay-at-home mom, which inevitably ended our 20+ year friendship.
My first child was born about two years after hers. She was so excited for me to become a mom as well. As much as I wanted to become a mom, I knew my parenting situation would differ from hers. I would have to return to work once my baby was born.
As my friend was helping to plan my baby shower, I was looking at daycares to send my baby off to before she was even born.
I hit my stride as a working mom. I didn’t love it, but financially there wasn’t a choice. My friend reassured me that I was doing something great. I had benefits and savings, I had a career. She reminded me how great daycare could be for a child, the benefits of learning, and socialization.
She would tell me how lonely she was. That making “mom friends” was difficult, and she was having trouble fitting in, that money was tight, and how she was responsible for so much while her husband was at work.
This fell on deaf ears. I was away from my child fifty hours a week. It wasn’t my choice but a necessity.
As time went on, I couldn’t imagine that her life as a stay-at-home mom wasn’t anything but ideal. I went to my job and missed my child all day long while she was home enjoying all the moments I was missing with my baby.
My jealousy and lack of understanding and compassion for her feelings led us to have a blowout. We haven’t spoken since 2016.
Now I’m a stay-at-home mom, and the grass is not greener like I had once imagined it to be. I’m lonely, struggling to fit in and making mom friends, and I’m without a paycheck or financial independence.
I miss my friend. She pops into my head more than I’d like to admit. Things happen, and it is her I want to call. She visits me in dreams; some are sweet, and some are nightmares. I wonder about her. Does she have more children? What does her life look like now? How is her family? How did she survive the year of COVID? Is she happy?
I will always be sorry for what happened between us. I am in the wrong. My desire to be a stay-at-home mom clouded my ability to be a good friend. My dissatisfaction with my own parenting situation led me to lose all empathy for what my friend was experiencing in her own mothering journey.
Will I ever have the courage to reach out? Not at the present time. I’ve created a life over the years without her in it. There are so many memories I hold close to my heart. I hear songs, and they transport me to times spent together. I break out into laughter when I think of some of our adventures.
