I am a single parent to my son. His dad and I live in the same town, and he sees my son regularly. Although we have our differences, I think we co-parent very well. I’m also fortunate in that my ex has a fantastic family. They adore my son and continue to treat me like family too.
I’m always happy for my son when he visits and spends time with his dad or any member of their clan. However, there is one exception. I will not give up my child on a major holiday, especially not Christmas.
My parents got divorced when I was four. I spent my entire life splitting my time on holidays between my mother’s house and my father’s. Because my father’s holiday gatherings were always a little more festive, it was established early on that I would spend Christmas Eve dinner with my dad’s family, then he would bring me home to sleep at my mom’s. I would wake up on Christmas morning and open presents with my mom, then my dad would pick me back up, and I’d spend the rest of the day at his house.
As an adult, the pattern didn’t change much—Christmas Eve with my dad, going to my apartment to sleep, then back to my dad’s in the morning, and then to my mother’s. Does it sound exhausting? Because it kind of is. And now that I have a son, it has only gotten more complicated.
Luckily, my ex’s family, which is even bigger than mine, usually has their big family Christmas gathering a few days after the 25th. I have both attended and sat out this gathering; I’m not sure what I’ll do this year, although I tend to be a little more relaxed because it’s after Christmas day. But still, it’s a chance to see my child bask in the joy of the holiday, open gifts, and play with his cousins. And a big part of me feels like it’s not fair that I have to miss seeing any part of that just because things didn’t work with his dad. If we were still together, this wouldn’t even be an issue.
You may think this is selfish of me, and you may be right. But I think of my mother having to give up spending time with me for most of the 24 best hours of Christmas; as an adult, she’s told me that it made her sad, and as a mother, it makes me sad for her. She did it because she thought it was what was best for everyone, but I don’t know that I agree that it was. I never felt the pain of my parent’s separation more than during the holidays. I don’t want my son to have the same experience.
Holidays are about being with the people you love, and my son is at the top of that list for me. And to be fair, I know he’s at the top of that list for my ex. I don’t want to miss out on being with my child on Christmas, but I don’t think his dad should either.
So our little dysfunctional family has started a new tradition. On Christmas morning, my son’s dad comes over at the crack of dawn while sugarplums are still (hopefully) dancing in our son’s little head. We put aside our differences and watch our son open his Christmas presents together.
Coming from the same divorced parent background and having the same Christmas Eve and day schedule you did, I fully understand your stance. And I think it’s absolutely wonderful that you and S can give Owen the Christmas he deserves. I always felt sad for my mom, too, especially since my dad always had a house full of people and it was just her by her lonesome at her place. Good for you.