I actually was planning on writing about a completely different – perhaps less controversial – topic, but then I recently came 
across this post on Salon. The post is written by a work-at-home mother who questions how it came to be that despite her best efforts to teach her 10 year old daughter to question the gender dynamic norms her daughter still posed the question, “If dad made more money, you would not work right?” Being a full-time, working mother, posts like these always catch my eye. Setting aside the merits and substance of this particular woman’s post (we can debate until the cows come home whether or not she really should have been caught off-guard by her daughter’s question), what really struck me was how quickly the comments devolved into some sort of virtual MMA event.
I get it. I really do get it. By writing something in such a public way, you have to expect to receive some public criticism (or flogging). That said, it always strikes me how quickly people assume things, and often that assumption is something negative. People are quick to point out a person’s flaws and publicly attack an individual – perhaps because it is so easy in this digital age or perhaps because people can easily shield behind a veil of anonymity or at least not need the same level of gumption required to say something to a person’s face. Several of the more than 150 comments to the post were just downright nasty towards the author as well as to other commentators. AND one of the main undercurrents of the comments was – of course – the never-ending stay-at-home versus working mom dynamic.
Aside from feeling more than slightly disheartened, reading through these comments made me realize two things. First, there are ways to pose an opposing viewpoint that are more constructive and likely more productive. Second, women need to do a much better job of supporting each other no matter the decision or situation. Perhaps if there is any assumption to be made initially it should be to assume that we have the best interests of our children at heart, even if the decision is different than one that you might have made yourself. Also to assume that we and the decisions that we make all have a place in this world and can co-exist in a way that is beneficial to everyone. I feel one person commenting on the post said it best:
“[W]e need to go beyond not criticizing each other and move into the realm of acknowledging that not only is there ‘nothing wrong with [staying home or working]’ but each of these choices has BENEFITS, not just for the mom but for the rest of the family. Because it’s true; they all do, and this world needs all types, and we can’t truly respect a choice without acknowledging its benefits. I need *you* to show my daughter that she can be a working mom if she wants to be, and I have no doubt that your professional success will be a huge source of pride for your daughter *and* a huge source of self-confidence as well. You, or someone like you who works long hours not from home, may need me to lend more of a hand in parental involvement with the schools, or even have kids over to my home after school and keep a closer eye on social dynamics.”
What are your thoughts? We’d love to know, so please comment below!
I read the original article on Salon, the comments on there are always on the nasty side have been since I started reading the site back in ’98 or ’99. So nothing surprising. The writer of the article is a frequent contributor so many people posting probably had an opinion about her to begin with. Of course it will provoke a working vs non-working mom debate, that’s what the author was trying to do and she achieved her goal. If you are going to write about your 10 year old and how you think she doesn’t understand the importance of women having the choice to work, working for enjoyment and family gender dynamics (things a 10 year old has little to no understanding of) you should expect some interesting thoughts in the comment section. I don’t really think the article is a good illustration of women not supporting other mother’s point of view.
ps As far as I can tell the overwhelming majority of commenters on Salon have always been men
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I haven’t read too many posts on Salon, so it is helpful to hear more of the background and perspective on that source. I totally agree that she likely should have expected some interesting thoughts on her post. My sentiment was less that people needed to be supportive of the author’s viewpoint and more that I wish people could at least be civil when they disagree with someone’s viewpoint or when presenting a counter point. I don’t think it is unique to Salon as I often see comments on posts like this that devolve very quickly into name-calling and unproductive criticism.