I have a confession. It’s one I’ve kept to myself out of fear of being judged by other moms. Here it goes: I wanted nothing to do with my daughter, A, when she was born. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want her or anything like that. I just didn’t feel that natural mother/child bond we’re all told we’ll have the first time we see our children. I remember lying in the bed as the nurse handed her to me, hoping I would get all warm and fuzzy like I was supposed to. I didn’t. It was more along the lines of, “WTF, lady. Give that baby to someone else.”
I wouldn’t say it was postpartum. Maybe a doctor would disagree, but as soon as I was out of the hospital I was already on the road to normality. To understand this a bit better, you should know that I spent a large amount of my teenage years in the hospital due to cancer, and there were flashbacks aplenty during and after delivery about those experiences. In fact, having the flashbacks are all I really remember about the whole delivery process. I don’t remember the pushing or the doctor(s) at all, though I do remember getting the epidural (flashback of a failed spinal tap). I don’t remember being wheeled into surgery for my emergency C-section. I don’t even remember meeting my daughter for the first time. Luckily we have a picture of that. I had a really hard time separating the past from the present, and that pretty much made me oblivious to other people, their needs and feelings.
I know I’m not alone in not having that immediate bond. In this great factoid on WebMD, it says studies have found that about 20% of new moms and dads feel no real emotional attachment to their newborn in the hours after delivery. Sometimes, it takes weeks or even months to feel that attachment. The article goes on to list factors that may cause that lack of bonding and ways to help make that bond happen.
But for those of you who are past that point, and, like me, still feel guilt for not chumming right up to your child like peas and carrots, I say pshaw. Stop it. I’ve spent the past 3 years carrying that weight on my shoulders and it’s gotten me nowhere. Here’s to freedom of guilt!
I recently had a woman come up to me in a restaurant to tell me that she rarely sees parents talking to their kids at the table like I was doing (i.e. no phone or electronic devices were visible), that I was doing a great job, my daughter obviously adores me, and to go home and feel like a great parent. Thank you anonymous lady at Friendly’s. I think I will. Thank you!
Any other mamas with a similar experience? Comment below!
Yep. Totally felt the same way. I will even go so far as to say that I really resented my newborn son in the early weeks after his birth. I felt like I was being tortured, what with the sleep deprivation and constant crying. I also felt the same crushing guilt and convinced myself that I was a horrible person. Then, when he was about 6 weeks old, little Wolfie appeared to be sick and we had to rush him to the ER. Turns out, he was fine, but at the time, I was truly terrified. And ferocious. Tearing into every one at the hospital to help my son. And I sobbed tears of gratitude when I could take him home. It was apparent, then, that I loved him after all. Just not the ooey gooey fairytale kind of love. More of the powerful, primal, protective kind. (Incidentally, we’ve gotten a bit closer to the ooey gooey now that he’s older. I’ve even caught myself talking baby talk with him in the mornings…even at 5am!)
Glad to know I’m not alone, and happy to know that you, too, have gone to the “good side.”