The anniversary of September 11th is approaching, and in our house, it is a very significant day in which we honor the loss of a loved one – my brother-in-law and the uncle my children never met. My daughter has known about her uncle from a very early age, and we often visit his plaque at the beautiful memorial in Westport at Sherwood Island. My son is still too young to understand our visits, but he has joined in on leaving a stone or flower on the plaque.
Deciding when and how to talk to my oldest about her uncle wasn’t an easy decision. I chose to be honest from the beginning rather than hiding the information and waiting until she and her baby brother are older; whether it be a loved one that your child sees every day or someone far away who passes away, explaining death to a young child can be a difficult discussion.
Unfortunately, death is an unpredictable occurrence. It can happen tragically without us being prepared to face it. Knowing how to approach and support your children will help you handle sharing this information with them. My dear sister lost her husband when my oldest nephew was one year old. She was pregnant with her youngest son and had years of experience in how to talk to children about death of different ages. In talking with her, she offered the following advice.
- Only answer the questions the children are asking. It is unnecessary to share every detail, especially if your child is not asking about it. Certain information should only be shared when a child is developmentally ready. For example, my daughter knows that her uncle died on a sad day in America when many people lost their lives. This information was enough for her, and I did not dive into details about the terrorist attack or other information that isn’t appropriate for a 5-year-old to visualize. That said, it also might backfire if you lie to your children to protect them, and they find out later that you lied. Share only what you need and build on it as they age.
- Don’t be afraid to cry and show emotions. By modeling appropriate grieving, you show your children it is okay to be sad. Allow time and space for all members of the family to grieve.
- Limit outside exposure to the event – whether it be images or conversations. Events such as 9-11 or the tragedy in Sandy Hook are still broadcast on the news or the internet and are not presented in a way that is meant for little eyes and ears. Try to limit their exposure to these events. Also, be aware of how you talk about a loss with other people on the phone or in the presence of your children.
- Honor the person’s life. Let the person’s legacy live on in your house. Keep a picture up, share funny stories, and create a ritual in which you celebrate them each year. A friend of mine who lost her niece sends balloons to her young children in honor of their cousin’s birthday. This helps the children feel like they can talk about this person with you and other family members.
- Open up communication lines with school and other caregivers. If certain events or situations trigger emotions in your child, sharing them with the people interacting daily is helpful.
- Seek help from literature or outside resources. The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families publishes wonderful books about losing a loved one. Some other great titles are The Next Place by Warren Hanson, Snowflakes Fall by Patricia MacLachlan, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia, Heaven is for Real for Kids by Todd Burpo, The Den for Grieving Kids in Greenwich, CT is also a great local resource that can offer support.
