My Promise to Be Better: A Letter to My First Born From the Angry Mom

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An angry mom yelling.That night in the bathroom, while I was brushing your hair before bed, braiding it so you could have “cool rock and roll hair” in the morning, you asked me why my face looked angry and why I am angry all the time? As my breath caught in my throat, a million thoughts ran through my head. But one screamed louder than them all.

I’m a horrible mother!

I can’t deny I’ve been stretched thin lately. I am embarrassed to admit that sometimes I do not have it all together. It’s a lot to juggle three kids, a home, activities, etc.
 
But those words, “Why are you angry all the time?” sliced my heart in half.
 
Seeing my reaction, she quickly giggled and said, “just kidding, I love you Mama!” But I couldn’t shake her words. As I type this, sniffling and wiping tears from my cheeks, I make a promise to my firstborn.

I will do better for you. I will do better for myself. I won’t be the angry mom anymore.

My girl,
 
I’m sorry, my baby, my firstborn, that at almost six years old, you have taught me more about life and about myself than 30+ years have taught me. I’m sorry that I have been angry, short-tempered, and frustrated. I’m sorry that I yell and send you to your room sometimes. I hate that while all the joy, laughter, and fun far outweighs the “angry times,” you still remember when I’m mad.
 
I’m sorry that I forget that you are still little. Though the oldest of my little girl gang, you are still a baby yourself, and I need to remember that. You make mistakes, have a million questions, and get frustrated when I don’t or can’t answer them. You are full of amazing energy, joy, laughter, and big feelings that you are still trying to figure out. I’m sorry I don’t always take a deep breath when I’m at the end of my rope like I try to teach you to do when you’re frustrated.
 
My promise to you is that I will do better. I will take my own advice and take a deep breath, a short break away from the chaos, and I will no longer be the angry mom. Life has flown by since you made me a mama, and I promise to slow down and take in the moments with you, good and bad.    

You are the light of my life, and I need to show you that every day.

Thank you for all you have given me, taught me, and continue to teach me. I love you so much it hurts. I will always do my best to be better tomorrow than I was today. You deserve it.
 
Love,
Your Mama
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Nancy is mom to 3 girls (2016, 2018 and 2022) and lives in Trumbull with her husband Tom, daughters and black lab Norman. Originally from Farmington, CT, Nancy met her husband while living in Baltimore after college. In 2014 Nancy moved back to her home state of Connecticut, living in West Hartford, Norwalk and finally settling in Trumbull. Nancy is a full time high school teacher who loves to make the most of her time outside the classroom. Cape Cod, family dinners and a fresh manicure are some of Nancy’s favorite things.

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