That night in the bathroom, while I was brushing your hair before bed, braiding it so you could have “cool rock and roll hair” in the morning, you asked me why my face looked angry and why I am angry all the time? As my breath caught in my throat, a million thoughts ran through my head. But one screamed louder than them all.
I’m a horrible mother!
I can’t deny I’ve been stretched thin lately. I am embarrassed to admit that sometimes I do not have it all together. It’s a lot to juggle three kids, a home, activities, etc.
But those words, “Why are you angry all the time?” sliced my heart in half.
Seeing my reaction, she quickly giggled and said, “just kidding, I love you Mama!” But I couldn’t shake her words. As I type this, sniffling and wiping tears from my cheeks, I make a promise to my firstborn.
I will do better for you. I will do better for myself. I won’t be the angry mom anymore.
I’m sorry, my baby, my firstborn, that at almost six years old, you have taught me more about life and about myself than 30+ years have taught me. I’m sorry that I have been angry, short-tempered, and frustrated. I’m sorry that I yell and send you to your room sometimes. I hate that while all the joy, laughter, and fun far outweighs the “angry times,” you still remember when I’m mad.
I’m sorry that I forget that you are still little. Though the oldest of my little girl gang, you are still a baby yourself, and I need to remember that. You make mistakes, have a million questions, and get frustrated when I don’t or can’t answer them. You are full of amazing energy, joy, laughter, and big feelings that you are still trying to figure out. I’m sorry I don’t always take a deep breath when I’m at the end of my rope like I try to teach you to do when you’re frustrated.
My promise to you is that I will do better. I will take my own advice and take a deep breath, a short break away from the chaos, and I will no longer be the angry mom. Life has flown by since you made me a mama, and I promise to slow down and take in the moments with you, good and bad.
You are the light of my life, and I need to show you that every day.
Thank you for all you have given me, taught me, and continue to teach me. I love you so much it hurts. I will always do my best to be better tomorrow than I was today. You deserve it.