I first realized that I was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) when I was in my twenties; a therapist introduced me to the findings of Dr. Elaine Aron and her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. According to Dr. Aron, “the highly sensitive person (HSP) has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment. But the key quality is that, compared to the 80% without the trait, they process everything around them much more—reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations” (www.hsperson.com).
This information helped explain some things about me – my deep appreciation for the arts, my need for more “me time” than the average person especially after over stimulating events, how an itchy sweater could ruin my day, and my disgust of drippy ice-cream cones. I didn’t really need to do anything differently as my lifestyle (pre-family) allowed for things that all HSP’s need to thrive. I had plenty of time to take hikes, tinker away on my guitar, indulge in “me time” to the highest power so that I could retreat and reboot often!
Along came baby number one, and thoughts of being an HSP didn’t even come to mind. Looking back in retrospect, my HSP trait was actually extremely helpful. Being attune to people’s needs is a strength, and I was madly in love with my little girl ready to make her first few years on earth amazing. Even then, it was easy to sneak in some downtime. I found the working mom thing to be a challenge and often was touched out, but I was able to go for walks by the water with her afterschool. She went to bed very early and was a great napper. We had our summers, snow days, and vacations; my girl loved quiet time as much as me. We coexisted beautifully. Plus it didn’t hurt that she shared my affinity for maintaining a clean face and never minded that we didn’t use playdough much at home (Playdough under the nails = CRINGE).
Then I became a mother of two. Attending to the needs of two different aged children is an overwhelming task and for an HSP who strives for perfection, an almost impossible one. I was constantly having to let someone down and more often than not, my own needs were not being met as I balanced the roles of teacher, parent, homemaker, and wife. The smallest thing could send me spiraling into a mini-meltdown as the stresses from the many roles put me into sensory overload. I had no clue why I constantly felt underwater barely able to keep up. Believe it or not, it was when I began investigating my own daughter’s curious way of navigating the world, that I was reminded of my own HSP. As I started to research parenting advice for the highly sensitive child, I had my own “aha” moment of why the past three years have been incredibly hard for this mama!
It isn’t easy, but I am learning that I need to take care of myself as an HSP. Stolen moments of downtime, no longer make me feel guilty – they are a necessity. The goal is to not to get to scary meltdown mama and if I do, I try to remember to show my kids tools to work through the emotions. I’m working on it! My little gal is indeed an HSP, but that is her own journey to tell someday. I’ve got to be a good role model and advocate for her as the amazing qualities that are a part of this trait are often overlooked within. Being critical of ourselves and the people we hold dear tend to interfere with our final product, and I am now becoming more aware of what I say and do. I’ve also learned to let some things go as my great expectations can often be too grand. Mediocre is okay, sometimes. I’ve still got a lot to learn, but at least I’m on the right track. There are some great resources that are helping me through the process: The Highly Sensitive Person website, Happy Sensitive Kids Community Facebook page, and various blog articles that highlight life as an HSP parent. This one is my favorite: 15 Tips for the Highly Sensitive Parent.
Fact: 15 to 20 percent of the population are HSP. Does that sound like you or someone in your family? You can take this test and find out. Feel free to comment with your own experiences or advice!
Thank you for writing this! I have never heard of HSP, but after reading your story a light bulb has come on in my brain! Now that I think and look back on my life, I’m starting to see where this would have made sense to know as to why I have these feelings I’ve had. I’ve had a rough past three (well…now four) years as well. Our daughter was diagnosed with sensory processing issues, then high functioning Autism which has made life “interesting”. I feel that now I know where to start to help work through my HSP and hopefully become more of the parent I want to be instead of just in survival mode all the time. Thank you again for being so vulnerable!
Thank you for sharing your journey, Shellee! Thankfully, there are some great resources and groups focusing on HSP out on the internet that continue to be a help for me. It is especially helpful to know that we are not alone!
This is a great piece and one that is much needed! Six years ago when I had my first I was so overwhelmed I cried for months, and I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t until I discovered my eldest was a highly sensitive child (after I’d had my second; he was 3.5 years old then) that I found out I myself was also highly sensitive! Needless to say, that’s when our lives started to change.
My kids are now 6 and almost 3, and I know I need to take some time, every single day, to be alone before I have a meltdown. Discovering mediation made a huge difference as well, helping me to take control of the way I recharge and calm down.
Thank you for writing this! I hope it reaches as many highly sensitive parents as possible. Knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference in the world!
Thanks, Leila! I agree that knowing we are not alone has been so helpful and makes me not be so hard on myself when I can’t keep it together. I think meditation sounds perfect.