I Lost My Sparkle

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lost sparkle

Recently I took a weekend away from my family to spend time with two of my sorority sisters. As I traveled into the city on the train alone, I realized it was the first time in a long time that I felt free. Free from work responsibilities, children, my husband; pretty much everything that I love about my life, but the stuff that has been weighing me down.

In fact, I lost my way, my joie de vie, my sparkle. To be honest, the past three years have been really hard for me. My family has suffered some hard blows: my father-in-law nearly died, my husband has been dealing with anxiety, my mom’s depression has worsened, my boys have become more clingy to me, and we’ve been to the urgent care/ER so often the people who work there now know us.

I have taken each hit in stride and powered through. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been without a cost. I have been surviving, not living. I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I know I need to.

My cholesterol and weight aren’t where I want them to be. As a former gym-rat, I barely workout twice a week these days. I’ve also fallen off the radar with most of my friends. Texting/calling/emailing friends has become a chore.

That hour-long train ride into the city was a wake up call for me. Rather than continuing to simply go through the motions, I’ve been trying to be better about working out and giving myself grace. I have also been working on reconnecting with my friends. If you haven’t heard from me in a while, know I’m trying my best. Please know it’s not that I don’t want to be your friend; instead, I need to remember how to be my own best friend. As a mom, it’s especially hard to remember to take care of myself, but as they say on airplanes, you need to put your mask on first in order to care take of others.  

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Maria is a full-time mom, teacher, wife, daughter, and sister, who feels pulled in too many directions! Her older son Michael took over 24 hours to be born, and at six-months-old was diagnosed with allergies to dairy, eggs, nuts, soy, shrimp, and wheat…all after exclusively nursing because she was SO SURE that would help him be a healthy kid. Luckily at age 1, he began to outgrow some of his allergies. Fingers crossed the others will soon follow because that plus a husband who doesn’t eat any veggies and Maria always battling her weight makes for three meals to prepare every night. Luckily, Christopher, her younger son, is a cooperative eater! As someone who has always been committed to making positive change, Maria uses her privilege and position as an educator and mom to work toward a most anti-racisit, equitibile, and inclusive world. Recently, Maria has even started getting up at 5am to workout in her basement. (Thank you pandemic living!) She is addicted to reading chicklit on her Kindle app in the dark, most Trader Joe’s products, and watching TikToks.

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