My beautiful babies,
I am sorry. I wish I could be more for you because you deserve all the love and patience. You deserve it all. But there are times when I fail you. And it hurts my heart because you deserve better.
I had this vision of the mother I wanted to be. And I carry a past that drives me to want to be so much more for you. I knew I had to be more for you.
But on ugly days like these, I feel like I am failing.
And it terrifies me that I’m not the person I said I would be. It terrifies me that I’m not the person you need me to be. And in these moments, I feel ashamed because I’m the one you look up to. I’m the one who is supposed to lead by example.
I thought being a mom would be easier. I thought I would have it together.
Motherhood has brought out the best of me, but it also has brought out the worst. And you see that.
Please know it is not your fault. You are kids. You are just trying to get your needs met and are testing limits. You have trouble regulating your emotions.
It’s hard for you. But it’s also hard for me.
There are times I feel myself drowning. Times when I can’t keep up, am overwhelmed, or am not being heard. My response is to snap or yell. I don’t want to be this way. I hate being this way.
I worry this is what you will remember. You have seen all sides of me: the good and the ugly. And still, you love me because I am your mama.
Please know I love you with every ounce of my being. Please know I am trying. You are the reason I keep going and the reason I breathe. Because I know you need me.
But more, I need you. Thank you for loving me even on my ugliest of days. I will always keep trying to be more for you.
Love Always and Forever,