A Letter To My Children On My Ugly Days

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My beautiful babies,

I am sorry. I wish I could be more for you because you deserve all the love and patience. You deserve it all. But there are times when I fail you. And it hurts my heart because you deserve better.

I had this vision of the mother I wanted to be. And I carry a past that drives me to want to be so much more for you. I knew I had to be more for you. 

But on ugly days like these, I feel like I am failing.

And it terrifies me that I’m not the person I said I would be. It terrifies me that I’m not the person you need me to be. And in these moments, I feel ashamed because I’m the one you look up to. I’m the one who is supposed to lead by example. 

I thought being a mom would be easier. I thought I would have it together.

Motherhood has brought out the best of me, but it also has brought out the worst. And you see that.

Please know it is not your fault. You are kids. You are just trying to get your needs met and are testing limits. You have trouble regulating your emotions.

It’s hard for you. But it’s also hard for me.

There are times I feel myself drowning. Times when I can’t keep up, am overwhelmed, or am not being heard. My response is to snap or yell. I don’t want to be this way. I hate being this way. 

I worry this is what you will remember. You have seen all sides of me: the good and the ugly. And still, you love me because I am your mama.

Photo Credit: Marisa Leigh Photography

Please know I love you with every ounce of my being. Please know I am trying. You are the reason I keep going and the reason I breathe. Because I know you need me.

But more, I need you. Thank you for loving me even on my ugliest of days. I will always keep trying to be more for you.

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy

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Alisa is a psychotherapist, life coach and mom of three. Alisa is a native of Fairfield County and lives with her husband (a New York transplant), daughter (October 2012) and two sons (January 2015, June 2018). Following the birth of her second child, Alisa left her full-time job and pursued her dream of starting her own private practice by founding Balanced Being Counseling, LLC and Balanced Being Coaching, LLC (abalancedbeing.com) located in downtown Fairfield. Alisa specializes in working with young women and moms to decrease stress and manage feelings of anxiety and depression. She is trained in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and is an active committee member of Postpartum Support International- CT Chapter serving as the Communications Chair. Alisa is the creator the Facebook Group, Balanced Mama, a non-judgmental space for moms to feel inspired, gain support and come together among the chaos. She is passionate about motherhood, supporting women, buffalo chicken and a good margarita.

5 COMMENTS

  1. Omg I’m crying! I feel the same way!! Let’s take some deep breaths the next time we see each other and every hour before then! Great letter ??

  2. Ugly crying here…it’s been an ugly week and I have failed over and over. Thank you for writing what I couldn’t find the words to say.

  3. This hits home!! As a single mom two two boys ages one and two, I have days where I feel I wasn’t meant for this, days where I feel like I’m losing it. Compassion and self care have been huge for me. I schedule them into my week like I do work.

    Thank you for putting this out there, I feel like the more of us who admit it’s hard, the easier it will get for everyone!

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