I’ve now realized in my 30’s that I am a “starter friend.” I haven’t found a close friendship to stick.
I love to meet new people, get to know them, give recommendations when needed, and introduce them to other friends.
But not much has changed since my school years.
Everything starts out nicely, and then slowly, I’ll be excluded from get-togethers and playdates. Girls’ nights out are rare, but I always enjoy them when I’m invited. I watch these friends get to know other friends and form stronger relationships.
Typically, if I arrange something, it usually falls apart, or there is no response. If I host something, I’m actually shocked if people show up, as I’m so used to being let down. It has started to make me more of a cynic over the past few years, rather than the positive person I used to be.
I’m also terrified of inviting myself anywhere because of the childhood trauma of being completely embarrassed in second grade (yes, I remember this). So, I typically won’t say anything and stay behind.
It’s hard because I feel like my whole life I’ve been seeking true friendship and the perfect person that will stick. But maybe it’s not going to happen, and I need to let go of it.
Though I have friends in my life from childhood, high school, and college, I’m definitely not anyone’s strongest friendship. I don’t know why that happens or what I do or don’t do. I do try to keep chains of communication open and remember important things, but I also don’t want to seem overbearing, so I hold back sometimes too.
During this uncertain time, I’ve had three people regularly checking in with me. I appreciate them more than they’ll probably ever know. I know this is a hard time for everyone, and balancing it all is tricky, but taking the time to think of me and checking-in helps a lot.