Like everyone, this year has been full of trials and tribulations, but I never imagined explaining death to my toddlers.
Besides explaining to my children why they can’t come to the grocery store with me, why we had to cancel their first big Disney vacation, or why they can’t have a big birthday party, my husband and I were left with the most challenging task of all.
The pandemic caused a lot of stress and anxiety but nothing like we were about to experience in mid-October.
My husband and I had to explain to our two and three-year-old daughters that their beloved grandma, my husband’s mom, and my mother-in-law had passed away to heaven.
Before this experience, I felt like we we handled parenting decisions pretty well. We would talk it over, make a decision, and stick to it.
But how does one walk into their child’s room knowing they’re about to shatter their little hearts? How would we be able to put aside our anguish, grief, and deep sadness to be able to muster up the courage to get those words out of our mouths?
I thought about this conversation inside out and upside down. I thought of every possible question and formulated every sort of response. I worried beyond belief. I prayed.
I was not worried as much about my 2-year-old because she’s still too young to truly understand, but my 3-year-old is wise beyond her years and extremely intuitive. I knew our conversation would be filled with wonder and worry.
In preparing for this conversation I recalled a story a dear friend of mine told me earlier this year. She had the unimaginable duty of telling her friends daughter that her dad had passed away. I remember her telling me that she sat down with her and started by saying how proud she was of her dad. Through tears she said, “Your dad is amazing! He did it. He made it to heaven and he’s free of pain. We are SO proud of him.” I remember thinking about how thoughtful, considerate, and comforting that was. She made a truly traumatic conversation for that little girl a little easier.
As we sat by my daughter’s bedside and held her hand, we told her how proud of Grandma we were. We told her that Grandma made it to heaven and is happy and is an angel now. We watched her little face as her eyes squinted, deep in thought. She repeated our words over and over, asking if she can go to heaven to see Grandma. This wasn’t a question I had prepared for. My husband and I talked her through it, comforted her, and reminded her that Grandma will always love her and watch over her.
Afterward, I was reminded of how resilient and intelligent toddlers are. In hearing that earth-shattering news, my daughter responded with, “Grandma is going to be the most beautifulest angel ever.” That day she taught me to be strong, trust the plan, and love endlessly.
No one ever plans to have these conversations with their babies. But if you have to, I promise you that your children are here to teach you something about life and death.
