I Don’t Have Any Mom Friends

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Two women talking and leaving out another woman. Don’t let this title fool you. I for sure have friends who are moms, but I don’t have any “mom friends.”

I consider “mom friends” to be friends you meet after you become a mom; friends you meet in stroller walking groups, breastfeeding support groups, or preschool drop-off.

Sure, I have people I would consider more than just acquaintances; women I initially bonded with when my babies were small. But after our kids have grown out of toddlerhood, I couldn’t say we’ve stayed in touch, save for a couple of women (you know who you are!). And even though we text and chat sometimes, it’s not like we get together for coffee or anything.

I’ve never had an easy time making friends. I do prefer to be by myself.

As a child, I had one really good friend, but otherwise (despite my involvement in every single school activity from math team to chorus, band to volleyball), I didn’t have much involvement with my peers.

I’m shy, introverted, and a late bloomer. Kind of always on the periphery. And when my one good childhood friend got a boyfriend in high school, I have to say that I was pretty much left alone. Then, I met this set of identical twins who I connected with like no other. These girls became my best friends, and even though they moved away early in high school, we kept in touch.

But I have to say that the girls who were going to become my lifelong best friends appeared on my first day at college band camp. I know it probably sounds cliche, but that’s the true story. We bonded over being homesick, playing clarinet, and not liking the marching band. We were introverted and extremely shy, and this one girl was probably one of the smartest people I’d ever met.

There’s so much pressure to make “mom friends.” I don’t know if this is self-inflicted or societal. I don’t know how many of you have felt like you had to make friends who are moms to follow the herd.

From what I see on social media (for whatever that’s worth), I know so many moms whose best friends appear after they have their kids. And that’s cool too. Maybe I’m the only one who didn’t connect with other moms. I’m ok with that now, but I definitely didn’t use to be.

I think I pushed too hard to be friends with people who didn’t get me, felt the need to compete, didn’t understand my quirks or personality, or generally didn’t like me. Maybe that stems from childhood insecurities. Who knows?

But after a much-needed get-together with a few of my college friends, I realized that I was pushing for something I didn’t need.

My “mom friends” were already here. We just met before we became moms!

Over the past 20 years, we have gone from chatting about college boy problems and finals to buying houses and the joys of peri-menopause without missing a beat. There aren’t too many people who get to watch you grow up, from a shy college freshman who cried every day to a 40-year-old mother of three who has gone through 36 career changes!

They have never once referred to me as a “know-it-all,” despite my ability to remember useless facts. They understand that I love to use FRIENDS quotes to explain any situation we encounter. They accept and even embrace my flaws, and I do the same for them.

We don’t judge each other. We don’t compete with each other. We don’t comment on how any of the others raise their kids.

There’s something special about these women, my best friends who also happen to be moms.

It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since we last saw each other. When you can pick up the conversation right where you left off, whether it’s been 10 minutes or over a year, you’ve found your people.

I never stuck it out with marching band (and had no intention to), but I thank my lucky stars every day that I met my best lifelong friends that first day at college band camp. I would not be the person I am today without them.

Whether they have one friend or fifty, I hope my children find those people who see them for who they are, embrace their faults and insecurities, and genuinely love them and value their friendship.

It’s taken me almost 40 years to realize that I’m worthy of these women’s friendship, love, and support. I don’t need to go out and find people to be friends with because everyone I need is already here.

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charity
Charity is a newly-single mom of three with a son born in 2012 and identical twin daughters born in 2017. She lives in Monroe and has been writing for Fairfield County Mom since 2019. Charity is a full-time speech-language pathologist, working with patients all across the lifespan. She is also an intuitive medium. In her life before children, Charity was a professional stage manager, working in theatres throughout Fairfield County. Charity is passionate about her family, career, ballet (which she began at 39 years old!), musical theatre, and her amazingly-supportive friends as she begins a new chapter in her life. She firmly believes that you are never too old to stay stuck in a situation that is causing you pain. You can follow her on Instagram at @charityferris.

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