Domestic Violence: Helping A Friend

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domestic violenceIt’s unfortunately come to my attention that a woman in my life is being abused. The signs have been there for quite some time, but they never seemed like a big deal until I put two and two together: She always wears long sleeves and pants even on the hottest days; strange school absences for her child that simply don’t add up; she appears to really want to be better friends but always backs out of play dates and social outings at the last minute with excuses that are questionable; stray comments about what her husband won’t like with worried looks on her face.

This post isn’t about her, though. I don’t know her personal story or struggles enough to elaborate, and would never assume or trivialize something I don’t know anything about. This post is about what I can do to help her.

After doing some online research, the first step many shelters suggest is setting up a private dialogue with the person being abused to let her know your concerns; to listen and be supportive. I’m actually stuck at this step. I know my friend and her child need help, which I am willing to do, but I’m afraid of the path this conversation will take me. Will I lose a friend not only of mine but of my daughter too? Am I putting them at risk by recognizing the abuse? Will I become embroiled in a dangerous situation if the husband finds out? How does my own family fit into this? I’m still weighing the answers to these questions. It is with a heavy heart that I can’t just jump in and solve the problem easily.

I’m really unsure of how I even go about approaching the subject of abuse with her even if I get enough nerve to speak with her. We’re friends, but not close. I tend to spill my life’s story at the drop of a hat, but I know very little about her “story.” How do I seem concerned without coming off as nosy or judgmental? I certainly don’t want to set her backwards instead of moving forward.

Yet, I know that every day this woman and child are living a life that I probably have only seen in movies, and this is heartbreaking. My fear of the conversation with this woman can’t even come close to the fear she lives every day.

I’ve decided to kind of wait for the right moment, which is not today, at least. I’m sure it’ll be soon, as I don’t want to wait too long. So many domestic abuse websites have said not to confront the abusee, as it makes them feel like they did something wrong – the reason they didn’t reach out for help in the first place. Instead I’ll wait for that right moment and offer my support as best as I can. That’s all I can really do, as the decision to leave/ fight back/etc. are solely hers.

Have you ever had a friend that was being abused? Any tips for helping them out?

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