Body Image: Teaching My Daughter to Love Herself


From the moment I first heard that heartbeat, I (secretly) wished for a girl. So when the ultrasound technician confirmed the gender at our 19-week appointment, I took a moment to myself in the bathroom to 1) empty my pregnant bladder and 2) process the news. “A little girl,” I repeated. A tear of happiness streamed down my cheek. 

On the drive home, we called my mother-in-law to share our exciting news. I glanced over at my husband. His eyes welled up. He paused for a moment and said, “We’re having a girl!” As my hand held his, my heart felt full. 

19-week ultrasound

For the rest of the ride home, my thoughts wandered. I began fantasizing about what it would be like to have a daughter. What she would look like. The bond we would have. The memories we would make. As my mind continued to explore the possibilities of what life would look like for her, I couldn’t help but draw back to my experience working with young girls as a mental health professional.

I knew from my work how susceptible young girls were for developing low self-esteem and body image issues. I knew that our culture and societal norms placed high importance on female beauty and set a certain standard for it—one that was typically unattainable. I knew that even at a very young age, little girls learned to compare their appearance to others. Many would become self-conscious about how they looked and develop negative feelings about some aspect of their appearance. In time, this could even lead to some form of disordered eating.

As a clinical social worker by training, I knew that children are like sponges—observing, watching, imitating. What I also knew was that a girls’ attitude about her body was often related to her mother’s body image. By this, I mean, a mother who criticizes, complains, or is overly concerned about her appearance is likely to have a daughter who develops negative feelings about her own body and appearance.

On that ride home, I made a vow that I would do my very best to instill in my daughter both self-love and a positive self-image

Here are 5 ways to foster a positive body image:

1. No Negative Self Talk

Refrain from talking negatively about yourself. When you look in the mirror or try to squeeze into those pants that we all know are still too tight, don’t let those negative thoughts transfer to your mouth. Actually, don’t even make a face. The bonus for dropping the negative self talk: the more comfortable you will become in your own skin. Words are powerful. Choose them wisely. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

2. Language

Avoid words like “fat,” “skinny,” “pretty,” or “ugly.” Everyone is different. Everyone has their own special attributes and qualities. There is so much more to a person than labeling them by their looks. 

3. Avoid Comparing

Try to refrain from comparing. When you look at that magazine, that commercial, or the people you encounter in your everyday life (including your daughter), abstain from comparing their bodies and appearance to others or yourself.  

4. Describe the Body for How it Works

When talking or referencing one’s body/body parts describe it for the purpose of its function instead of for the purpose of being attractive or beautiful. This avoids objectifying. For example, legs are for walking. Eyes are for seeing. Bottoms are for sitting. Our body parts allow us to perform tasks and navigate the world around us.

5. Focus on Being Healthy

Instead of obsessing about dieting, weight, or caloric intake, shift the focus to a healthy lifestyle. The overall goal should be to find a good balance of healthy choices, so our bodies are strong and well.

Photo Credit: Marisa Leigh Photography

Body image, self-esteem, and confidence. They’re all connected. Are there other factors that contribute to how a girl feels about herself? Of course! Will there be things, events, and circumstances that are out of our control? Definitely. But what I also know is: That little girl is listening. That little girl is watching. That little girl looks up to her mama. Learn to love you so they can learn to love themselves.

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Alisa is a psychotherapist, life coach and mom of three. Alisa is a native of Fairfield County and lives with her husband (a New York transplant), daughter (October 2012) and two sons (January 2015, June 2018). Following the birth of her second child, Alisa left her full-time job and pursued her dream of starting her own private practice by founding Balanced Being Counseling, LLC and Balanced Being Coaching, LLC ( located in downtown Fairfield. Alisa specializes in working with young women and moms to decrease stress and manage feelings of anxiety and depression. She is trained in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and is an active committee member of Postpartum Support International- CT Chapter serving as the Communications Chair. Alisa is the creator the Facebook Group, Balanced Mama, a non-judgmental space for moms to feel inspired, gain support and come together among the chaos. She is passionate about motherhood, supporting women, buffalo chicken and a good margarita.


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