Play Dates.
Two words I have very mixed feelings about.
My older child is introverted like me. She loves school, but plays alone much of the time. I’m not particularly concerned, given I was the same and grew into a perfectly well-adjusted adult. However, my husband and I have been told by her teachers that we should be scheduling one-on-one play dates for her.
Ugh.
Don’t get me wrong, I know her teachers mean well and have her best interests in mind and at heart.
But, if I’m being completely honest here – we don’t have the time for play dates.
First, there is the simple matter of scheduling. I have another child, an almost three-year-old who still naps like clockwork until around 4 p.m. every day. My first child stopped napping before she turned two, and, if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m still bitter about it. My son is impossible (and destructive) if he does not nap. I’m not skipping his nap for a one-hour play date. And by the time he’s awake, everyone is making their way home for dinner, so the day is essentially over. During warmer weather, we were having friends over to play in the yard while my son napped. But during these colder months, doing that isn’t an option.
Second, I work from home. Every day, I’m scrambling to clock as many hours as I can. I often rely on our lazy late afternoons to get an extra hour of work in while the kids watch some television. If we leave for a play date (if anyone is even available), I’ve lost that time I desperately need to work. Most of the time, I have to prioritize deadlines, which is a simple reality of being a working parent.
Third, my daughter is a hot mess in the afternoons. Yes, my kid who stopped napping before age two still, three years later, has zero clue how to rest, let alone sleep, during daytime hours. That means, if a friend is even available for a play date after 4 p.m., my daughter (the one I’m scheduling the play date for) will likely be a complete mess the entire time. Why even bother?
Fourth, my kids are a package deal, and my son has to come along. My kids are, for the most part, the best of friends. However, my daughter does NOT want her brother at her play dates. And to add insult to injury, my son is very social and charismatic, which has resulted in some of my daughter’s friends actually wanting to play with him instead. Try resolving that conflict. It’s a doozy.
Fifth, I don’t have many free afternoons available in the first place. Between the kids’ activities and my mom being over to our house twice per week, that leaves only one or two weekdays to schedule anything. If we’re free on Wednesday, it’s not likely our friends are available too. And I cannot justify taking my daughter to a play date when my mom is over because (a) she loves her Grammy, and that’s their special time, and (b) I’m supposed to be working at those times, as they are my only time with child care (see above).
So you see, I feel like I’m in a Catch-22 of sorts. We just don’t have time for play dates, but my daughter apparently “needs” them to work on her social skills. Cue the mommy guilt for screwing up my kid since I’m unable to provide her with what she “needs.”
Did I have play dates as a child? Yes. But I’m an only child, and my mother didn’t work. I didn’t have a sibling to play with, and my mom was looking for activities to fill our day. Were play dates good for me? I’m sure they were. I was a shy and introverted kid too. But, that was the 80’s, when the pressure to be the “perfect” mom was not quite so heavy. Back then, sending your kid to pre-school five days a week was more than enough. Nowadays, parents are expected to cram as much as possible into their children’s days to set their kids up for success, and (I’ll again be honest here), I just don’t buy it.
Of course, I want to do what is best for my child. Of course, of course, of course. But I am also juggling mightily every day so that my kids can have me at my best, and my best is when I am working.
And frankly, I’m overwhelmed by all of the “extra” things we as parents are “supposed” to do for our kids. My life at home with two small kids while simultaneously working from home and running a business with my husband is overwhelming enough. And while I do agree that my child could benefit from more frequent one-on-one play dates, she (and her brother) are better off with a sane mommy than a frazzled one. Sometimes taking that extra activity off of my plate is just what I need to get through the week. My kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I’d say we’re doing okay.
And so, if you’re reading this, and I’ve said “let’s have a play date” but haven’t been able to follow through, now you know why. It’s not because we don’t want to, or because we don’t like you. We do! We are just in the trenches at the moment and lack the time.
Perhaps twenty years from now I’ll report back as to whether my introverted child grew into a functioning adult despite her lack of play dates. My best guess: she’ll be killing it, and I’ll have worried for nothing.
As a working mom I would never have a weekday playdate. Why not have one on the weekend?
Hi, Jill! Good suggestion. We’ve actually done that a lot. We also do a lot of activities for the kids on weekends (where they socialize a lot). And then they do special stuff with dad since he’s at the office all week. Scheduling is so hard!
As a teacher, I don’t think I would have suggested that to a parent. Maybe ask the teacher, ” how are you encouraging her to work on social skills in the classroom?” ?
Katie, this made me laugh! Funny enough, one of the days I dropped her off last week, the teacher pulled me aside and told me she’s talking to her friends a lot. So either we’re doing a great job at home (or the teachers are actually doing something at school!).